Hi, I'm Rob Ford. I'm writing to appeal to you because of all this garbage that's been written about me in the papers. Those journalistic maggots, eh? But I'm not going to talk about that. I'm writing to say this: I love you Toronto. And I know you love me. And I know you're not going to turn against me.
You know why I say that?
Cuz I'm your Dad.
I mean we all have Dads, eh? And in the past few years Dads in general have been getting some pretty bad reviews. And let me tell you something. It's completely undeserved. Dads are good guys. I'm a good guy. Your Dad is a good guy, right?
Think about it.
The thing about Dads is...sure, they screw up sometimes. That's the thing. Sure, they make mistakes. I mean....nobody's perfect. Sometimes Dads well...you know the story. Sometimes they can have a drug problem just like anybody else, sometimes they can have financial problems. Sometimes there can be some shifty dealings going on. And yeah, sure sometimes Dads well...they can get involved in a little hanky-panky if you know what I mean, do some things behind closed doors, late at night, after they've had a few.
But hey, they ARE men, right? And you know...men get into trouble sometimes -- if they're real men, old-fashioned ones, ones that pass muster, the kind of men that built this country.
And I know that each and every one of you has a Dad, and you love him, and that Dad of yours -- for better or for worse -- is a little bit (sometimes a lot) like me. But what's most important is that you can forgive your Dad.
Yeah, you can.
You probably forgive him every day, and you love doing that, because you love him.
Now I know there a lot of the downtown intellectual elites going on about Toronto's 'reputation,' on what they call the ‘world stage.’ Well first of all, who really cares about the 'world stage' except a bunch of cappucino-swilling, hip-swiveling maggots anyway? (I'd use a stronger word -- one that rhymes with maggots -- but I don't believe in using words like that.)
You know what? I'm NOT an embarrassment to Toronto. Because there are men like me all over the world. And people look up to them, and protect them from harm, and sometimes even worship them. There are even countries where Dads do worse things than I do. They kill and torture their own people. But there are people who forgive them, cuz, well -- they love their Dad. There are countries where little girls aren't allowed to read. But people understand that the Dads don't want them to read, so that's okay. In fact I'd say that most of the world -- outside Toronto -- understand that Dads sometimes make mistakes, and that you have to support them, no matter what.
So I'd say that if you took a poll of all the people in the world, most of them would agree with most of the people in Toronto, that you just have to forgive your Dad sometimes, or else...well the whole fabric of society would fall apart!
I mean, take a look at the alternative. If the world wasn't run by Dads, then who would run the world?
I'll tell you. MOMS. Now I don't think I have to tell you why that’s a bad idea in so many words -- and if I tried to, well some people might twist what I'm saying. Let's just say that...well if Moms ran the world, then once a month we'd have to take a vacation when they got cranky!
No, seriously, I think we all know that it just wouldn't work. You know it, I know it, we ALL know it.
So that's why you'll stand behind me, Toronto. Because you love your Dad. You will always love him, and you know that the world has been run by Dads for hundreds of years, since the Paleolathic Period, even, and well -- so far -- I think we're doin' pretty good.
So, don't rock the boat, eh?
Hey, I know you'll stick with me.
Cuz – why?
Say it with me.
Cuz I'm your Dad.