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MINI-MOVIE-REVIEWS

1. Interesting………………

Yeah well Carnage was interesting. But do you call that losing it? I mean is this how white people go crazy? I expected more vomit, more….sex. But I always do. The best things about the movie though, were the bulging veins in Jodi Foster’s neck – they’re probably going to get her an Academy Award!


2. A very irritating waste of talent and money…………………………….

Shame. Wow, the title says it all. It is a shame that all this great acting, writing and directing -- and Michael Fassbender’s quite more than adequate wang -- were wasted on such a stupid premise. We’re supposed to get all tragic over the fact that a brother and sister touch each other too much when their drunk, or because some people enjoy sex without love? I think there are a lot more important things to get upset about. And what about the fact that Michael Fassbender’s character ends up in The Eagle backroom (come on- you know where I mean – there’s one in every town and you’ve been there) getting a blowjob by some guy -- and this is supposed to be the ultimate act of degradation. A usual evening’s debauchery usually just starts that way for most of us.


3. I watched the first hour and really enjoyed the popcorn………………….

Wow The Darkest Hour has Emile Hirsch looking kinda cute (but why didn’t he take his clothes off? maybe he did in the second hour) and beings that look very pretty, swirling around like bolts of lightening, but woah! -- they burn you up on contact in a rather artistic way. Hey -- I’ve had boyfriends like that! And all in fabulous 3-D! 3-D which was supposed to bring people back to the movies! Oh yeah, right. If Hollywood is so emotionally and intellectually bankrupt that the only thing they think will draw you back to the movies is a bunch of flower petals (Avatar), or dead person’s dust (Darkest Hour) coming at your face, then they’re done for. Have you noticed that the most 3-D thing about 3-D movies is the credits or the subtitles? Yum. I love subtitles in3-D. Now that’s scary.


4. Oh, and by the way…………………………..

Did you catch the headlines over the Holydays? “Big studio executives are worried their profits are down…but they’re counting on Alvin and the Chipmunks in Chipwrecked to save the day!” Whaaaa? I say thank you so much to James Cameron for destroying movies TWICE -- first with Titanic (watch out- it’s coming back this spring!) and then Avatar. The man who single handled taught audiences they are  only supposed to like things  that are big and stupid and cost a lot of money. Arghgh.